I've dedicated this blog to beauty with an intelligent approach, I go to college and am well educated. For the most part beauty is something fun and light hearted but it goes so much deeper. I see that when I work , strong women come in looking for quick beauty solutions that fit into their lifestyle. Now every persons lifestyle is at least a little different from another. Mine on some days is full glam and some days borderline homeless with questionable hygiene. I hope if your reading this you under that everyone needs to take a step back and be serious for a moment. Life is not all sunshine , unicorns and lipstick, and there is no reason to pretend that it is.
Over the past few years I've watched as influential people come out about being mentally ill , or struggling with symptoms. I am bipolar. I have generalized anxiety disorder , bulimia , OCD, you name a mood disorder out of the DSM and I have either had it, have it or struggled with some variation of the symptoms. I can not remember a time when I wasn't. I can not remember when anxiety, neuroticism, addiction, depression and mania did not rule my life. Growing up was hard, a house that didn't understand, a dad with a temper, and typical kids who had no leniency for outliers. To be honest, looking back, I wouldn't change it, but that doesn't minimalize the realness of the situations I was put in. One of my most vivid memories of school was being encircled by classmates and being pushed until my glasses fell off , then a child stomping on them , all because they thought I was annoying. Not to mention coming home to a house where my dad was/is and alcoholic. Me and my sister used to sit on the bus pressed against the glass to see if we could spot my dads car before we got off to decide if we even should get off. Simply not to deal with his daily mood swings and anger. Then a mom who is borderline OCD and beyond anxious with a desire to please everyone. Now obviously there is a history of mental disorders in my genetic pool, but genes are only the loaded gun, environment is pulling the trigger. And I, unfortunately, had the right combination of both. Making me a ticking time bomb for disaster. My whole life has been swings between being horribly depressed or terrifyingly manic. Mixing in countless panic attacks, years of bingeing and purging, promiscuity, and mild substance abuse. From the outside though, it would be almost impossible to tell. Throughout grade school I was an A student , with a small group of friends , and what seemed like a severe case of shyness or social awkwardness. But I was going to school high on painkillers, being persecuted at home, and having sex with anyone willing. Not to mention when I finally got out of my house and went to college I was drunk more then half the time and more promiscuous then I had ever been. I finally found a great boyfriend in the mist of a manic episode then spun into a deep depression where I was hospitalized. Only then is when my family started to accept my illness' and my mom spun into action and got me help. For a short amount of time I was relatively stable but in a fog of drugs and my boyfriend broke up with me because of the depression. So I stopped taking them. Flinging me into the worst manic episode I have experienced. I started drinking to the point I could tolerate half a bottle of whiskey nd still walk straight, tinder became my new bestfriend, I stayed up for days high on anything (mostly popping Adderall) and I blew thousands of dollars in credit card debt mostly on booze and makeup. I was so irritable and irrational I got into fights with all my friends and lost all but 3. This took me to the lowest place I've ever been. I was the complete opposite , I stayed in bed for days , missed all my classes, still drank my self into a stupor during the day to keep sleeping and keep my mind off of everything. If I left my bed it was to pee , not to shower, not even to eat I often wouldn't for days. I'm not sure what made me want to change , it could of been my mom and sisters constant nagging , or my will to live for my baby brother. But I snapped out of it one day and started taking my meds. The drinking took a while , it was about 5 or 6 months before I was able to start drinking responsibly again. I am still trying to sort out the mess that I made but at least I'm doing it sober now. Now though I am stronger , I can stand on my own feet, I am mildly thankful for my experiences.
The moral of this story though? NEVER be ashamed of these things , everyone goes through bought of depression and mild forms of mania, get the help that you need, even if that means doing it yourself or taking some name calling. And if someone happens to say something or give you a empty pity stare, walk away with your head high knowing that no strong person comes from an easy past. DO NOT let it take the best of you or define who you are. You are more then these diseases, you may be the sum of your experiences but just take every experience as a lesson for a better you and a better life. I always hear yogi people say that be open and receptive to positive energy and it will come , not that there is some mythical energy that will lift you up, but choose to focus on the positive and expel the negative is how I take it. Once you do that a whole new world of possibilities opens up. KNOW better days are ahead, you're working on it, your hard work will pay off , "Nothing will work unless you do"- Maya Angelou. BE THANKFUL. For those who do stand by you, for the good things that happen no matter how little or few, focus on that. But most importantly block out the noise, block out the weak people who do not understand, and if someone is worth being in your life they will stay no matter how hard it gets. I have friends who I know if I called them at 3 am they would come to help. Be that person for someone else too, you know how hard things get , be open and accepting. I guess that's my advice for getting through 22 years of life. Thank you for taking time out of your day to read my ramblings, if this can sort of help even one person then it was worth it to post this.
