Relocation

New York is all I've even known, between Buffalo and the Hudson valley are the only two places I have ever called home. Now I am moving , to Florida, quite a change of scenery. New York and me have a lot of history, between working in the city , growing up in the in New Paltz, and starting school in Buffalo, it is all I have ever known. Yet I am excited and nervous , not really scared or sad, which tells me it is the right choice for me. New York as a whole has not been a positive experience for me. Between my abusive childhood , then being addicted to drugs and alcohol, an emotionally (sometimes physically) abusive two and a half year relationship, some sexual assaults, and countless failed friendships; I say its time! The last two years of my life have been a struggle (not that they weren't before, but this time completely on my own) finding out I have bipolar 1 , struggling with addiction, failing school, and more then a few passive friendships. It has been a lot to handle on my own. Financially even has taken its toll(part of bipolar is impulsive spending) that even further made me feel out of control. Swinging between manic and depressed with a constant intake of drug alcohol and sex, made me lose control of my life. Finally this winter (which if you know Buffalo's climate was not a mild one) I started to regain some elements of control and stability. My medical regime has been crucial, and I am now just finally sticking to my meds. Along with therapy and a lot of self reflection. Most of this is realizing who and what are actually important and necessary, what friends to keep contact with mostly but even down to what stuff is coming with me. One thing most recently I have done was weed through my facebook friends. I know it sounds silly or stupid , but it made me really evaluate who I care to keep contact with or even who I want to share my new life with. It was slightly liberating seeing who was dragging me down , saying mean or unconstructive things , and so on. Friendships have been increasingly hard lately. It seems that I can not hold down a friendship for anything. At first I blamed myself (as what I always do) then I realized I open myself up too much. I allow people to walk all over me because of my good nature and want to help everyone. Most people , I cant even say just in my age group because this happens to my mom as well, are just well self absorbed. And that is not me , will never be me and I am choosing to keep out of my life. So overall I am happy to be moving on, changing , growing and becoming healthy. Lets see if the Vitamin D really works its magic. *Plus my Grandmother ( who does energy work and spiritual stuff) says that there is good energy with my move, weather I belive? I don't know but I cant hurt and she is most always right.

Numbers

I think one of the biggest things to remember is sometimes we all feel this way. That 350 million in the world deal with depression and even more with anxiety. That 1 in 5 people in the US have a mental illness. 16 million in the US alone have had at least one episode of depression. To put that in perspective there are 318 million people in the US; that means more then the population of the US in the world deals with depression and about 5% od the US population has dealt with depression. 40 million deal with anxiety that is 12% of the population in the US. And that's only the reported numbers. Think of the actual numbers. Those may seem like relatively small numbers but that is a lot of people. Putting the chances that someone has dealt with it or understands at a much higher percentage. My point is that you are not alone. That there is no reason to be ashamed. Reach out chances are you will get a warm response and get the help you need. I feel like these 2 songs really grasp the idea that I'm trying to get at. That we all go through hard times , that everyone get sick at times and you will get through it. It may seem like hard times  are never ending but just take the good out of it , learn a leason, be sad , and get back up. 

 

Changing

Although I really love makeup , I am deciding to change up the center of this blog to be more about lifestyle(if that's the right word). Advice , hope, inspiration, my store, more then lifestyle. I want there to be a place that people who have mental health problems can look at a see that they aren't alone, get hope , and stay strong. Now I would like to keep some aspect of beauty to the blog, but I feel I can speak more to mental health then anything else. I have unfortunately too much experience with these problems and therefor can better speak to these troubles. Also there are a lot of beauty blogs but not nearly as many dedicated to these problems. It is a sensitive topic and I understand that, this wont always be easy to talk about but that's why it is needed on the internet. People do not fully understand these problems and there is a stigma associated with it, I hope to help shed some light and remove some stigma. Whether you are dealing with these problems yourself or know someone who is and are trying to help, I truly hope to help. I know I am simply a drop in an ocean but every drop helps, and I have to hold to that. Whether you fell like your drowning or your treading the water or doing laps, keep hope and stay strong.   

Family

Family is the most important thing you have. Please don't get me wrong family does not have to mean blood related, but the people who constantly surround yourself with and slightly annoy you but are always there. These are the people who no matter how much of a fuck up you can be still stand by you. Sometimes that's your relatives and sometimes its people you simply would call your relative. For me its a mix; my mom and sister are my rocks, my dad on the other hand I would rather go slowly insane in solitary confinement then talk to. I try also to surround myself with people who I can treat like they are one of my own. This time of year has been hard not being able to go back to my home town and having to be alone for the holidays. All though my blood wasn't with me my family was , I surrounded myself with people who care about me and treated me like I was one of their own.

This weekend I was in the hospital again for suicidal ideations. I'm not proud that I let myself get this low again but it happened and I need to share it. And it was the people who I call family that kept me alive and got me through it. I hate worrying people and being a burden but they are family , remember they want to help you.  It was hard for me to reach out and say I needed help but it couldn't be ignored any longer. I had been suppressing it for months and it burst in a fit of hysterics. I can not say why exactly I found myself feeling this way, although it might be about letting a old flame back into my life for a day. Granted the depression started before then but that defiantly exasperated it. Its a lesson learned.

My point is that it is okay to reach out. As much as you may think your not worth it or you are a burden , to these people you aren't. They want to see you happy, and most will do a lot to see you happy. And if they aren't willing to help, they aren't worth your time , its them not you. They aren't real family. Surround yourself with people who care and instantly you will feel your spirits raised. Reach out, get help, stay strong.

Thank you Laura , Emily, Daniella and Bri for being my family

Don't let anyone keep you down. Sad but motivational. Sometimes we all don't feel like ourselves, sometimes we fall out of happiness. But standing back up is what makes the difference. I've been talking to my coworkers lately , two of whom are extremely sad. One simply doesn't feel successful the other let a boy get the best of her. No matter what brought you there you can get back up, choose to be happy a successful. See the positive in every experience and define your own definition of success. Being a billionaire or simply having a significate other doesn't always mean your going to be happy. Its learning to ride the wave and be happy with yourself and where you are going even if that isn't all clear. Just never let someone take who you are away from you. Stay strong , stay positive.

I've dedicated this blog to beauty with an intelligent approach, I go to college and am well educated. For the most part beauty is something fun and light hearted but it goes so much deeper. I see that when I work , strong women come in looking for quick beauty solutions that fit into their lifestyle. Now every persons lifestyle is at least a little different from another. Mine on some days is full glam and some days borderline homeless with questionable hygiene. I hope if your reading this you under that everyone needs to take a step back and be serious for a moment. Life is not all sunshine , unicorns and lipstick, and there is no reason to pretend that it is. 

Over the past few years I've watched as influential people come out about being mentally ill , or struggling with symptoms. I am bipolar. I have generalized anxiety disorder , bulimia , OCD, you name a mood disorder out of the DSM and I have either had it, have it or struggled with some variation of the symptoms. I can not remember a time when I wasn't. I can not remember when anxiety, neuroticism, addiction, depression and mania did not rule my life. Growing up was hard, a house that didn't understand, a dad with a temper, and typical kids who had no leniency for outliers. To be honest, looking back, I wouldn't change it, but that doesn't minimalize the realness of the situations I was put in. One of my most vivid memories of school was being encircled by classmates and being pushed until my glasses fell off , then a child stomping on them , all because they thought I was annoying. Not to mention coming home to a house where my dad was/is and alcoholic. Me and my sister used to sit on the bus pressed against the glass to see if we could spot my dads car before we got off to decide if we even should get off. Simply not to deal with his daily mood swings and anger. Then a mom who is borderline OCD and beyond anxious with a desire to please everyone. Now obviously there is a history of mental disorders in my genetic pool, but genes are only the loaded gun, environment is pulling the trigger. And I, unfortunately, had the right combination of both. Making me a ticking time bomb for disaster. My whole life has been swings between being horribly depressed or terrifyingly manic. Mixing in countless panic attacks, years of bingeing and purging, promiscuity, and mild substance abuse. From the outside though, it would be almost impossible to tell. Throughout grade school I was an A student , with a small group of friends , and what seemed like a severe case of shyness or social awkwardness. But I was going to school high on painkillers, being persecuted at home, and having sex with anyone willing. Not to mention when I finally got out of my house and went to college I was drunk more then half the time and more promiscuous then I had ever been. I finally found a great boyfriend in the mist of a manic episode then spun into a deep depression where I was hospitalized. Only then is when my family started to accept my illness' and my mom spun into action and got me help. For a short amount of time I was relatively stable but in a fog of drugs and my boyfriend broke up with me because of the depression. So I stopped taking them. Flinging me into the worst manic episode I have experienced. I started drinking to the point I could tolerate half a bottle of whiskey nd still walk straight, tinder became my new bestfriend, I stayed up for days high on anything (mostly popping Adderall)  and I blew thousands of dollars in credit card debt mostly on booze and makeup. I was so irritable and irrational I got into fights with all my friends and lost all but 3. This took me to the lowest place I've ever been. I was the complete opposite , I stayed in bed for days , missed all my classes, still drank my self into a stupor during the day to keep sleeping and keep my mind off of everything. If I left my bed it was to pee , not to shower, not even to eat I often wouldn't for days. I'm not sure what made me want to change , it could of been my mom and sisters constant nagging , or my will to live for my baby brother. But I snapped out of it one day and started taking my meds. The drinking took a while , it was about 5 or 6 months before I was able to start drinking responsibly again. I am still trying to sort out the mess that I made but at least I'm doing it sober now. Now though I am stronger , I can stand on my own feet, I am mildly thankful for my experiences.

The moral of this story though? NEVER be ashamed of these things , everyone goes through bought of depression and mild forms of mania, get the help that you need, even if that means doing it yourself or taking some name calling. And if someone happens to say something or give you a empty pity stare, walk away with your head high knowing that no strong person comes from an easy past. DO NOT let it take the best of you or define who you are. You are more then these diseases, you may be the sum of your experiences but just take every experience as a lesson for a better you and a better life. I always hear yogi people say that be open and receptive to positive energy and it will come , not that there is some mythical energy that will lift you up, but choose to focus on the positive and expel the negative is how I take it. Once you do that a whole new world of possibilities opens up. KNOW better days are ahead, you're working on it, your hard work will pay off , "Nothing will work unless you do"- Maya Angelou. BE THANKFUL. For those who do stand by you, for the good things that happen no matter how little or few, focus on that. But most importantly block out the noise, block out the weak people who do not understand, and if someone is worth being in your life they will stay no matter how hard it gets. I have friends who I know if I called them at 3 am they would come to help. Be that person for someone else too, you know how hard things get , be open and accepting. I guess that's my advice for getting through 22 years of life. Thank you for taking time out of your day to read my ramblings, if this can sort of help even one person then it was worth it to post this. 

Colourpop Haul

I know no one needs my humble opinion on these lipsticks but honestly I'm bored and want to post. We all know colour pop is great value for money, and their ultra matte lippie are no exception. Ringing in at a grand total of 6$ a pop (get it ... pop ... colour pop, I'm so punny) , these are a third of the price of their oh so famous counterpart the Kat von D everlasting lipsticks. The lipsticks are great in the longevity department,  they stay on for a good chunk of the day. But , yes there's a but, they are drying , like a hour in the Sahara with no water drying . Granted a little more drying then the Kat Von D, granted one third of the price.

Also can we talk about the smell/flavor ,because as my grandmother always told me we eat at least 5 tubes of lipstick in our life, making flavor very important. Its not that they smell/taste bad , but it could be better (*et em* stilla stay all day, vanilla heaven on your lips). But yet again it is only 6$, I'm betting they did what they could given that extreme price. I digress, there are my few grievances but overall a good buy on a budget.  

Lumiere , Contempo , LAX , Beeper , Solow , Clueless , Midi